Avoiding the 'moan fest'

[Penny_Walker]

I was running a course last week, and one of the participants really struck a chord with everyone when she described a regular meeting that she is part of.

"It's a moan fest!"

:(

The participants in the meeting gripe and complain, they say nothing they do works, they are defeatist and they blame everyone around them for their failure to progress.

We came up with some ideas, but I thought I'd open it up to my lovely colleagues from IAF, to produce top tips and handy hints to avoid moan fests, and get people onto a more positive track when the fest is getting underway.

Looking forward to your views.

Penny

[Neville_Webb]

Don't you find a baggage handling session can help them move on as long as its properly structured?

[Jan_Lelie]

It seems to me that these people are in the grip of the paradoxes of speaking:
- authority
- dependency
- creativity
- courage
It is a classic case of 'A Trip to Abilene'. I sense that the paradox of dependency is the main issue (not the paradox of creativity, no handy hints or top tips from me). The members of the group make themselves dependent on something or somebody else (a manager, the system, a schedule, a meeting ..) and then complain about it. But they started it themselves: they decided to become trapped, enslaved, gripped. As a facilitator, i think, the trap here is: 'let me entertain you'. Not so: do NOT try to make them happy, they'll only become (counter)dependent on you (unless this is what you want, and don't complain to me that they seem to like the happy games, but still feel bored).

To resolve the situation, in my opinion, they'll have to liberate themselves:
- what do they gain from continuation of boredom?
- who do they blame their boredom to? (and use the questions by Byron Katie, The Works)?
- what do they need from themselves to step out of this situation?
- how could they make these meetings last longer and become more boring?
- ladder of inference: what are the perceptions of the date they use to conclude they're bored?

Best

Jan Lelie

[Teresa Michelsen]

Paradoxically, it seems to me that often the first step in handling this is to properly acknowledge the gripes. Don't avoid the moan fest, encourage it :) Listen, rephrase, and write everything up in big letters where all can see that the issues have been recorded.

Once they've run out of things to complain about, on a different flip chart start working on the solutions to the issues. There may be a lot of "yes, buts" if so, just record the obstacles on yet another sheet of paper, but still encourage the "ideal world" solutions to come out. If they're so used to complaining without solutions, and/or feel no empowerment to fix things themselves, it may take some time between meetings for them to do some homework. If so, circulate all the issues and obstacles identified and ask each person to come up with one solution for any issue they choose for the next meeting.

At least, that's one place to start - Teresa

[Andi_Roberts]

Hi Penny and all,

I like to introduce the concept of spheres of control, influence and the "greater cosmos". I ask people to focus their though and attention on things that they can control and influence and not to allow their energy to be sucked away by the "greater cosmos" which is the moaning / bitching area.

If a group starts going down the "wrong" street I simply ask them where they are against the three circles at that moment in time. Just by asking them they realise what they are doing and their self awareness increases.

I also often use an "issues to deal with" chart and get them to stick up sticky notes with concerns that need to be dealt with at another more appropriate moment.

Hope this helps,

Andi Roberts
www.MasterFacilitator.com

[Rosa_Zubizarreta]

I agree with Theresa... properly acknowledging the complaints can be a very good place to start.

One "tweak" though... I've found that instead of "running out of things to complain about", people can sometimes go "on and on" when it has to do with complaints!

So after listening to someone for a few minutes, letting them know they have been heard by listening actively and writing down their concerns, I find that can be helpful to invite the person to shift to a "solution", by asking them what it is, that they DO want (they obviously DON'T want, the things they have been complaining about...)

After they have talked about what they DO want, if the situation is in fact really difficult, the participants will then point out all of the obstacles that are in the way of achieving, what they do want. It may in fact, be a really difficult situation... and it's important to really hear and reflect all of the various obstacles that are in the way, of people being able to achieve what they DO want.

Another paradox I've found, is that sometimes when a group feels that someone has really GOTTEN, how difficult/impossible/frustrating their situation is... when I as a facilitator can FEEL, "wow, I really get how frustrating it is... " and am really STUMPED, right there with them...

...it is only THEN, that they begin to think freshly about their situation!

[Trevor_Durnford]

Bear with me, I've just got back from the Global Appreciative Inquiry conference in Nepal, so my response is tinged with a positive approach. A key insight for me is that if our conversation is around 'the problem the group has' it's not a million miles away from 'the group are the problem' which isn't going to be a good place to start from.

So maybe some AI or Solutions Focused questions might be a useful addition to the above.

Q: Imagine you fell asleep tonight and all of the challenges disappeared by magic, what would be the first tiny signs that that the miracle had happened?

Q: If you had a magic wand, how would you want it to be. When/where does this happen already...even just a little bit?

Q: On a scale of 1 - 10, where do you stand right now with 10 being the perfect situation. (And when the group respond 3 because they are feeling so low, follow up with) What gets you that high, what's already working for you. What would get you one point higher.

These are all SF questions. Using Appreciative Inquiry which is another strength based approach, you might break the group into pairs and reflect on a time when they were able to bring about massive change despite the odds, what was going on, what did it take, what themes emerge. Then the pairs bring this back to a group o 4 where they exchange stories and themes. This get's shared with the group.

Having said all the above, I do have another metaphor that supports the view that enabling the moaning should be encouraged. People that are feeling ill need to throw up before they can eat again. The job of the facilitator is to be the rescepticle! Enjoy!

Trevor Durnford (trevor@lorensbergs.se)


www.lorensbergs.se (http://www.lorensbergs.se)

[Sandor_Schuman]

I have found "The Stereotyping Exercise" from the Public Conversations Project to provide a structured approach to acknowledging the history of complaints and gripes in a transformative way.
http://www.publicconversations.org/resources/pcp-dialogue-tool-box-other-excercises-and-questions-mulling

[eric_brachhausen]

Hi Penny,

This is not a sure-fire solution, but it seems to help. I take a post-it type flip chart page and turn it horizontally, landscape fashion. Then I tape the free top corner so it stays put.

Then I divide the sheet into quadrants, with one vertical line in the center and one horizontal line in the middle. At the top vertical I put a plus sign, and at the bottom vertical a minus. At the extreme left of the horizontal line I write the word "past," and at the extreme right I write the word "future."

After having done this, I ask the group for words or phrases that fit the quadrants. For the upper right, people contribute things like satisfaction, success, can-do. For the lower right, I get things like danger, difficult, non-starter. Upper left generates things like nostalgia, when times were good, and so on. Lower left begets things like fiasco, went off the tracks, don't want to do that again.

Then I try to remind the group how powerful words are, and how any one experience has multiple aspects. But that we will get further together as a group if we stop and choose our words carefully before responding, and try to frame our ideas keeping in the upper right hand quadrant.

During the meeting, if there is too much commentary that is impeding progress, I can offer that we are dwelling in the wrong quadrant, and that we need to push our thinking to the area that will take us forward. Other group members are free to make similar comments if needed.

As I say, it is not perfection, but it is something to work with.

Regards,
Eric

[Penny_Walker]

Thanks to everyone for these great suggestions, which I'll pass on to the person in question.

:)

I have also written an article about this situation, which draws on this thread and other thinking. I'll post a link when it's available in case people are interested.

Happy New Year to everyone!

Penny

[Penny_Walker]

Hi Everyone

As I mentioned, I have written an article about this, drawing on some of the great ideas in this thread.

It has been reprinted in this month's (March 2010) European IAF newsletter, which you can access from here (http://tiny.cc/it7mf).

I will also put this on my blog, here (http://penny-walker.co.uk/blog/2010/03/avoiding-the-groan-fest/), in case you want to point people towards it who are not IAF members and can't access the newsletter.

Thanks again for your help.

Kind regards

Penny